Hong Kong Brother

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Each month I will keep a running list of news items, including info on my schedule, etc. It's in order from LATEST entry at the top on down to the OLDEST entry at the bottom.

Here are the "News" archives, feel free to browse them for some interesting tidbits:

April/May 2002 Archive	October 2002 Archive
June 2002 Archive	November 2002 Archive
July 2002 Archive	December 2002 Archive
August/September 2002 Archive
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January 2003 Archive	June 2003 Archive
February 2003 Archive	July/August 2003 Archive
March 2003 Archive	Sept/October/Nov 2003 Archive
April 2003 Archive	December 2003 Archive
May 2003 Archive
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January 2004 Archive	June/July 2004 Archive
February/March 2004 Archive	August 2004 Archive
April 2004 Archive	September 2004 Archive
May 2004 Archive

I'm feeling much better tonight, after several days of being in a complete haze. Until I went to church this morning I had literally not left the house since Thursday night. Oh, I'd had a few hours of normalcy, or nearly so (minus the upset stomach rumblings)... But anyway, it's nice to be almost starting to begin to head in the direction of commencing to be better.

NOW, let me say that I'm all in favor of business and free trade and open markets and supply and demand -- I might even acquiesce if you try to feed me some trickle-down things, or even if you want to spoon-feed me some "capitalism rocks" stuff, or "Democracy and McDonald's for all!" stickers and that sort of thing. I'm all for it. Read the books, bought the t-shirts -- I'm a believer, pretty much.

HOWEVER, if someone doesn't do something about the spam in my e-mail, I am going to go absolutely insane.

I have HAD it. I am so furious at getting all this garbage, and no one is doing ANYTHING to actually STOP it. I offer now, for "sale" on the internet, my vote for the next president of the United States, to the person who assures me they will put these people in JAIL. I mean it -- incarcerate them. Fine them. Take their homes away. PUNISH THEM -- and do it PUNITIVELY.

Don't misunderstand me... let's keep this in perspective. Certainly, I'm not a citizen of some backwards, ignorant, poor, authoritarian nation where people have no freedoms -- where talk-radio hosts are threatened with death and hacked with knives on the street by government thugs for speaking their minds on air (like China). Certainly, I'm not a victim of either roadside bombs, beheadings or prison abuse in Iraq (those three issues are NOT equal things, by the way, they just happen to all be in Iraq). Okay, and certainly, all my complaining will sound trite and selfish if (when?) one of our American cities goes up in a mushroom cloud. So YES, I admit it -- we've got MUCH more important things to be praying about. Don't neglect that (I won't).

But I'm telling you, I pray to God in heaven -- the Almighty Creator of all that "is" -- to that very God -- the God of Abraham, Moses, David and Paul -- to that God -- MY God -- to Him I pray that the people that keep sending me these lame, obscene, ill-conceived e-mail advertisements would see the error of their ways and REPENT. And NOW.

One more thing -- my friend Kam Miu (pronounced, very literally, like the two words "gum you" -- which is probably an insulting comeback in certain countries -- "Oh, yeah?!? Well, GUM YOU!!") -- but anyway, Kam Miu has been chosen from all the young people of Hong Kong Presbytery to go to Youth Triennium this year -- FREE trip to the USA, all expenses paid, for about 3 or 4 weeks, to represent our HK churches.

Now, to give you a little background, Kam Miu's father died a little over a year ago. She is a member of the Xi Lin Church, and we all went through the difficult times with her, her brother Ken, and their mother. Through it all, Miu in particular has held onto her faith, and though only turning 19 years old last Friday she is single-handedly leading her youth group at the church. Seriously -- by herself. She is a mature, intelligent believer, and I know that ANYONE of you who met her would love her instantly.

Okay, so the problem is that when Miu went to get her visa, the officer REJECTED her because her family's financial situation is so poor.

LISTEN, I'm really asking you guys to pray about this, that whatever the outcome, God's will would be done here -- it seems like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for her and her family, surely God would not let a prejudiced immigration officer hold up these plans unless He has something else in mind.

RE: number of girls I would like to date who are actually willing to date me, were I to ask them
Zilch (that I know of).

RE: likelihood that having a stylish wardrobe helps attract girls (expressed as percentage)
100%.

RE: percentage of my current wardrobe that is stylish
Approximately 0% (standard deviation of + or - 0.00).

RE: today's weather
Not particularly enjoyable -- but then again, it has been (and will be) WORSE.

RE: number of security guards at the gate to my housing estate at 4:30pm (when there is no danger whatsoever)
Three.

RE: number of security guards at the gate to my housing estate at 12 midnight
Zero.

RE: number of times I have failed to beat the "TV station" mission in SWAT 3
One hundred (estimated).

RE: what I will do to beat the "TV station" mission in SWAT 3
Whatever.... it..... TAKES.....

RE: number of bulbs which shall subsequently REMAIN burnt-out (indefinitely)
Four.

RE: amount of time I sat here trying to think of a "how many fat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?" joke
At least five minutes.

RE: number of teachers from my school who went to see a dance performance tonight
Ten (including me).

RE: number of teachers who acted like Rite of Spring killed them with boredom
One -- and no, it wasn't ME.

RE: number of times I had to endure boredom-dying teacher's exasperated sighs during Rite of Spring
One million (not sure of exact number, but very high).

RE: number of weeks (as of tomorrow) during which I have had a persistent cough
Three.

RE: number of pills a HK doctor would give me if I consulted them about my persistent cough
One hundred (at least).

RE: number of times this week that I have doubted whether I know anything at ALL about God
One million (not sure of exact number, but very high).

RE: number of times this week that I have WEPT due to my doubts about knowing anything at ALL about God
Four or five (at least).

RE: number of "intense weeping" episodes that ended in me laughing because I realized I was being stupid and a big baby
One.

Okay -- please print out this status report for your future records. Thank you.

Rain, rain, rain. But at least it looks like it will be a bit cooler, and that can be a good thing. I say it "can" be a good thing, because there's this weird (and utterly annoying) thing where the school won't turn on the a/c unless it's a certain temperature (I believe it's something like 86 degrees) -- and so there's this "gray" area, if you see what I'm saying, where it's REALLY smoking hot to me, but to them it's not hot enough to turn on the a/c. So it's funny how some days I'm actually GLAD it's so hot, because I end up being COOLER during the whole day.

I mean, you just can't imagine how different my mood is when they turn on that a/c. It's like, "Okay, NOW I can sit down and actually do some work," instead of, "I am so utterly miserable sitting here, soaking wet, that all I can do is steam. LITERALLY." It's not like even with the a/c it's all that "comfortable" -- it's NOT. It's still hot and disgusting. But at least it's workable, is all I'm saying.

Okay, so tonight I'm sitting there at the Outback Steakhouse, enjoying this cheesecake, see... And it's not a complicated story how I got there, but it's not exactly "normal" for me to do that, so I'd better come clean.

It all starts, see, with this "every other Tuesday" thing. Basically, every other Tuesday (or thereabouts) I go all the way out to Tai Po to the HK Institute of Education to meet this friend of mine. When we started doing this a while back, it was supposedly for "language exchange" and particularly for ME to be learning and practicing Cantonese. But it's funny, because as I'm sitting here, genuflecting, and I don't really know if "genuflecting" means what I think it does, but anyway, don't interrupt me, okay? But as I'm sitting here thinking about it, I would guess that I've learned about, oh... let me see... I've got a calculator here... carry the two, add six, divide by thirty-one... Yeah... Okay, I just wanted to make sure I was thinking right... I mean, this is just an ESTIMATE, see, but I'd say I've learned approximately ZERO Chinese from this girl. Not one single word. Nada. Zilch-a-rino. It's not that she isn't helpful, it's just that we never end up getting to the "she teaches me Cantonese" part. She's an interesting person, and we just end up talking about other stuff -- in Engrish, of course -- and never get to my Chinese lesson. Nevermind... I don't care about that so much... It's just cool to have a conversation with an adult for a change, with nary a mention of "What can you see?" or "How do you come to school?" -- which are the only two questions that my first-graders can use (and use them they DO, with nauseating repetitiveness, every single time I see them -- "Ah Grenn-ah, I come to school by BANANA!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!" -- you get the idea).

So I enjoy the hang with this girl, but I think I do need to confess something, and I do this publicly at GREAT risk that she may someday read this. The thing is, and I can't believe I'm really going to admit this, but the thing is, I have NO IDEA how to say this girl's name. I'm not joking, I wish I were. Listen, I KNOW her name, see -- I could WRITE it in romanization (the alphabet) -- but I just can't SAY it. And don't you DARE tell her that, please... 'Cause I've been hanging out with this girl for MONTHS -- but couldn't say her name correctly to save my life. Sure, I'm bad with names, I really am -- but this is crazy. Really pathetic of me. (Okay, I'll ask her next time to help me make sure I can SAY it).

But anyway, the thing that takes me towards the Outback is that she is convinced that the fastest way for me to leave the HK I.Ed. and come back home is to take this so-called "Sun Bus" which goes to the Tsuen Wan MTR station. Now, listen, if you have spent any considerable amount of time in HK (and who am I kidding, of course you HAVEN'T, duh) -- but if you DID spend a considerable amount of time here, ONE of the things you would learn, among many others, is that when a HK girl of a certain age (and with a Ph.D) tells you that the quickest way to get somewhere is to go "this way" or that, then you'd better do it. It doesn't really matter that it always ends up taking you longer to get home than it does to get there, it doesn't matter that even a cursory look at a map of HK would reveal the "opposite-direction-ness" of the route she sends you on. The point is, she knows that's quicker, so it is. And don't try to openly take another route, and ESPECIALLY don't try to act like you are taking her suggested route and then get sneaky and take another one, hoping she won't see you skip out of line at the last second and get on another bus. Because she will see you, dude -- and then next week you will spend about HALF of your non-Chinese-learning time talking about why you didn't take her "faster" route.

So I always end up in Tsuen Wan after these meetings, and Tsuen Wan is one of the three or four places in HK with an Outback, right? But dude, I am TOTALLY out of shape, and POOR -- the LAST thing in the WORLD I need is to run down to Outback and eat a $7 piece of cheesecake. And I've been really bugged at Outback lately anyway, to say the least, because they have NO willingness to serve diners who are alone -- and this ticks me off about MOST HK restaurants, they really just do NOT dig one fat guy taking up a whole booth or whatever, when they'd rather have 6 dumb punks sitting there. Nevermind that the fat guy will spend a TON more money than the punks, because the fat guy isn't a HK person, and therefore will buy what he wants, INSTEAD of only buying what he thinks is a "good value" -- which if 6 dumb punks are sitting there they will try to share one bloomin' onion and two bloomin' cokes among them. I've literally been TURNED AWAY from the Outback in HK because I refuse to sit at the bloomin' bar, "Sorry, sir, then we can't serve you." And if I wasn't so dag-burned lazy I'd have started a vicious letter-writing campaign LONG ago... But I guess I AM pretty dag-burned lazy when it comes down to it.

Oh, and another thing they've started over at Outback, is that they CHARGE you for every refill. Of iced tea. Dude, iced tea probably costs less than TAP WATER -- okay, that's stupid, it costs more than tap, but STILL...

Well, so I'm ADMITTING that I need a piece of cheesecake like I need another hole up in my fat head, right? Which is to say I do NOT need it, in case you are confused by the "hole-in-head" argument. But they've started this thing, see, about the cheesecake at Outback. NORMALLY, when you order cheesecake at the Outback, they serve it with this rockin' raspberry sauce -- it's just fantastic, and I love it. BUT, the last time I was in the Outback and had cheesecake -- which was about 6 months ago or more -- the waiter pulls a fast one on me, and he says, "Okay, sir, with your cheesecake would you like the raspberry sauce only? Or should I get some chocolate sauce, too?" And being a less-than-thin guy I probably should have been offended by the suggestion, now that I think about it. I mean, it has NEVER occurred to me, but that's a pretty insulting suggestion, you know? Sort of like, "Hey, meat-head, would you like some BUTTER on that ice cream?" -- you see what I mean?!? I never once thought of it that way until just now, typing it out -- but I think that guy was making FUN of me!!!

Okay, but the POINT is that at the TIME I took no offense whatsoever -- I was fascinated... I was intrigued... I was, shall we say, "convinced."

And dude, this chocolate sauce was a-MAZ-ing! It wasn't really "chocolate sauce" so much as it was "chocolate gold"... er, "chocolate gold that you can eat"... I have no idea how to describe it, but it was much more of a fudge thing going on than a "sauce" thing, and I just mean that the flavor was flat-out killer. SO killer, in fact, that one could not be faulted for suggesting that the greatness of this chocolate sauce rendered the cheesecake as merely secondary -- one might legitimately refer to the cheesecake as simply a "chocolate sauce delivery system", if you will.

And I have been thinking -- I mean, not ACTIVELY thinking about this, but in the back of my mind -- I've been thinking all along that the waiter from the last time was just a sort of Chinese "Kreskin" who just read my mind about the "raspberry good, chocolate better" thing. Extra-sensory fluke of waiterdom, I assumed. But tonight when I go to order the cheesecake, before I even get the words out of my mouth, the waiter is like, "Chocolate?" And he has that "nudge-nudge, wink-wink" look on his face, you know what I mean -- but ignoring that, I explained, "Okay, yeah, I want the chocolate sauce, but I really DON'T want the raspberry sauce." And he's like, "Uh, you don't want the raspberry sauce?!?" And I'm like, "Yeah, just the chocolate is fine."

At this point, he says, "OH, so you don't want any cheesecake, you just want a cup of chocolate sauce, right?"

I'm like, "Uh, NO! Sorry -- maybe I'm not saying this correctly. I want the cheesecake, with chocolate sauce ONLY -- no need to bring me any raspberry sauce."

Ten minutes later, he brought me the cheesecake -- with the raspberry sauce...

Yeah, so anyway... I finally got the chocolate sauce after asking another waiter and another 10 minutes -- and it was ALL GOOD, yo... I mean, that was some REALLY good chocolate sauce held up by a cheesecake.

And I hope you're not disappointed that I don't have any ending for this story, but sometimes you don't get what you want, see?

Listen, you NEED to go get the newest Jonatha Brooke CD, called "Back In The Circus" -- I have been listening to it this morning, and I'm sorry, I just LOVE this girl. I would LOVE to make records like this girl seems to make without even trying. A great song-writer, mature, complex without sounding over-wrought, a rich palette of textures and sounds -- just a fantastic record. If you've never heard her, DO IT. You can really, seriously trust me on this one.

Decisions have been made... Paperwork is flying across continents... E-mails are being sent with fury...

But I still can't announce what my future plans are -- I need to talk to the people here in Hong Kong first. Please pray for me, you who are so inclined, as I could use all the help I can get.

"Being American, I have an incurable tendency to expect the United States to grow slightly up." -- Edgar Snow, author of 1937's "Red Star Over China"

(He wasn't talking about photos of nude Iraqi prisoners, but it fits for me)...

I know it's been a long time since the updatement of these parchments of cyberdom. I've simply found myself to be overly discombobulatory in the magnitude of my undocumentarianism.

If you regularly read my machismodulations here, then you know that there is a quandary afoot about where my future prostantinations will take place. That conundrumatica is still unsolved. More news on that later...

1) The second Nokia phone in two months has exploded. The first one to explode last month inflicted only minor damage to the owner, who was talking on the phone while in line at the bank. The phone literally exploded into hundreds of pieces of Nokia shrapnel -- it was quite a site to see the images of the remains strewn about willy-nilly on the bank floor. The phone that exploded yesterday seems to have not so much "exploded" as just "burst into flames" -- which I'm slightly dubious about which manner of unexpected phone destruction is better. The owner in this recent case was taken to the hospital for burns to his hand and foot, and the news showed a huge melted spot on his floor -- the meltedness having come from the phone as well as the floor itself, which developed an unsightly blemish in a spot which now cries, "Throw rug!"

2) They have also unearthed some more 2000-year-old pottery pieces in the middle of a street in Mong Kok. But since it had no monetary value, no one cared. (Just joking, though actually the poor archaeologist DID seem to keep saying, "Our history is valuable!" over and over as if he felt he needed to make the point).

3) They've also just about finished the Suicide Fence at Times Square -- you know Times Square, right? It's the big shopping center in Causeway Bay, with that amazing 8-storey atrium -- you know, the one that has seen three people jump to their deaths in the last year -- the latest this past Easter Sunday, in front of hundreds of shoppers... Yeah, you know the one. Well, they've almost finished the new fence they had to build to keep people from climbing over the edge. I think they said the fences are going up on the 8th, 7th, and 6th floors. Presumably from the 5th floor down you're just breakin' a leg. I also read a statistic that said that 4 out of 10 suicides in HK choose jumping.

I saw some new stories by my 6D students today. I can't hide it -- these kids drive me NUTS, but they are really my favorites of the entire time I've been in HK. They are so cool. They are the elite of the elite, which is to say they are OUR elites -- the best single class our school has ever produced. Of course that's relative, as you'll see.

Anyway, here are their stories, EXACTLY as written, spelling and all. I'm only sorry I couldn't include the PICTURES they drew to illustrate these mini-books:

"I would have quit smoking had I known it could cause illnesses other than lung cancer." -- Taxi driver and smoker of 20 years, Lam Chun-sing, 59, speaking at a HK press conference to publicize the problem of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.