My Biggest Fan

I don't actually feel like I'm a very good teacher. Okay, I KNOW I'm not a very good teacher. But for whatever reason -- and I am very thankful for this -- the kids really seem to dig me (so far, at least), and they always seem happy to see me come around. Whatever failure I feel at my job of "teaching English" I can still take comfort from knowing that I can love the kids and that some of them even love me back. I mean, knowing that makes a lot of bitter days go down sweeter, you know what I mean?

But the last few days I've had a really funny thing happening, it's like an EXTRA bit of encouragement, I suppose -- and I don't know, I just wanted to talk about it. 

You see, there's a kid in our 4th grade this year named Walter. Well, that's his English name, anyway. Now, I think Walter was here LAST year, but I really don't remember him that much. It's like, I think I recognize his face, but I don't really remember him in any particular context, if that makes sense. I definitely don't remember really talking to him or having any contact with him last year at ALL, other than I guess he was in one of the 3rd grade classes I taught.

But this last week or so he has come up to me every day at recess, smiling as big as the world, and said, "Hallo!!" and shook my hand and just,... I don't know,... it's like he just RADIATES "happy"... 

Okay, so that's cool, and I really appreciate it. It's clear he wants to talk, though he can't speak much English or understand what I'm trying to say to him (other than, "What's your name?" -- he got that one right, at least); but still, you can't miss his body language -- this little guy is just really loving being back at school. 

Alright, well, a few days ago Walter gives me this gift, right? It was a piece of parchment-like paper, and on it he wrote:

    "TO: Mr. Grenn, from Walter"

(Just so you know, he actually spelled my name Grenn, with an "R" -- Chinese people have trouble with the "L" sound, so I'm sure he's not the only student who actually thinks that's my name, since that's what they end up calling me, "Ah-Grenn-ah!")...

So he had this paper written out in all different colors of crayons, and it was rolled up sort of like we'd roll up a diploma, okay? And he had tied it up with a red-and-gold ribbon and stuck in these three straws with decorations on them. Now, to explain the straw thing, in HK kids sometimes cut up and make stuff (little designs and things) out of drinking straws -- sort of like "drinking straw origami" or something. So Walter had made these three straws into little flowers on each end, and so he handed me this rolled up paper, tied in a ribbon, with three little "drinking-straw-flowers" sticking out the top.

Well, that was a really cool thing, and it's so innocent and funny and touching and everything all at once, you know? 

But that's not all...

YESTERDAY on the playground during recess I was talking to one of our teachers when Walter walks up and says, "Hallo, Grenn!!" and we shake hands like always -- and that's about it, or so I thought... But just as I turn back to the other teacher (named Barnabas), Walter steps between us and starts to talk as fast as he can, looking back and forth from Barnabas to me. 

So Barnabas is suddenly looking shocked; and looking at Walter, he says, "Oh?!? Really?!?!?"  -- and they say some more in Chinese, and then Barnabas looks at me and says, "Well, he has written a song for you!"

So I'm like, "He did?!? Okay, well... C'mon, tell him to sing it!"

So Barnabas says in Chinese, "Sing it! We want to hear your song!"

Now, look, kids don't have the same inhibitions that adults have about singing out loud in front of people. But what you MAY not know is that Chinese kids REALLY don't have any inhibitions like that -- they LOVE to sing, and they do it well, too. And loudly.

So Walter steps back, takes a deep breath, and then launches into this rip-roaring song. I mean, he's standing there, smiling as big as ever, singing as loud as he can possibly sing, and he's clapping his hands and dancing around -- it was like he just suddenly went NUTS. 

And I keep trying to think of how to explain to you what it looked like, and all I keep thinking is that it was like a "Chinese hoe-down" or something. Like, do you remember that Bugs Bunny cartoon where the two hillbillies do the square-dance? And Bugs is calling the dance? You know:

    "Now into the brook and fish for the trout, 
    Dive right in and splash about. 
    Trout, trout, pretty little trout, 
    One more splash and come right out..."

Okay, so Walter is standing there dancing and singing this song, and something about the way he was stompin' his foot and clapping his hands just made me INSTANTLY think of that Bugs Bunny cartoon... (Maybe that gives you a mental picture of what it looked like, anyway)...

Alright, so this goes on for about 20 seconds, and when Walter finally finishes, Barnabas turns to me, laughing, and says, "Wow!"... and I'm like, "What did he say?!?"

So Barnabas puts his hand on my shoulder and, suddenly getting serious, translates Walter's "song":

    "Glenn, thanks for teaching us English! 
    We really thank you! 
    I love you! 
    I'm your BIGGEST fan!"

And Walter, satisfied that I understand, just smiles and says, "Bye bye!" -- and then walks away to play with his friends. 

. . .

Well, listen, I didn't get all emotional or anything, it wasn't that kind of a moment -- no, but LATER when I was thinking about it I realized how cool that was. 

The thing is, I miss my old job sometimes, and how I knew how to do it, and how I was GOOD at it, and all the MONEY I was making... and sometimes I sit here and stare into space trying to figure out how to teach these kids, and NOTHING is coming into my head, and I'm just sitting there feeling stupid and worthless and wondering WHY IN THE WORLD did I come all the way over here just to be a BAD English teacher, you know? And I think about all the food I miss and all the friends I wish I could hang out with and all the music I could be playing... and I think about my godson Peter and his brother, Benjamin, and especially now I think of my new niece Madelyne and how I won't get to see her for a whole YEAR... And all these things run through my mind from time to time, and I wonder if I made a mistake in coming here, and all that crap... And I KNOW it's stupid -- that's not REALLY how I feel at ALL!!! But still, when I'm feeling sort of lost or lonely or whatever, I (unfortunately) let my heart drift to those kind of thoughts and I just think, "Geez, what's the point?!?"

And then God sends me a kid like this guy, Walter, you know?

So, whatever... 

Of course I fear I'll never be as good a teacher as I want to be, and that HAUNTS me, it really does -- and I mean EVERY DAY. Our students and their parents, and the teachers -- the whole SCHOOL -- needs me to be better than I am... And the fact that even though I try my best I still always fall way short just makes me feel sick, and I mean that LITERALLY. No joke, it makes me lie awake in bed at night, unable to sleep, my stomach in KNOTS as I think, "Okay, how am I going to teach tomorrow?!?" -- knowing all the time that I don't even know WHAT to teach tomorrow, much less HOW... 

So... maybe there are more important things than teaching English. I mean, I KNOW there are -- duh! -- I really didn't come here just to teach English anyway, right? I'm kind of supposed to be a "missionary" or whatever, you know?

But I'm just saying that if a kid like Walter is digging it, and obviously he is, then maybe there's something ELSE that I'm supposed to do here BESIDES just teaching English -- and maybe I'm doing THAT just fine?!?

Hmmm... 

Only God knows, I guess.... 

. . .

Update, posted on 13 September 2002:

Just to make sure you know I've kept things a bit in perspective (and haven't let this "groupie" business go to my head), let me report that one of our sixth grade students wrote this poem about me for his English class yesterday afternoon:

    Glenn has a monkey.
    It steals his money.
    The monkey is happy!

Apparently, the thought of me with a monkey was enough to fill them with laughter... But the image of my monkey STEALING MY MONEY -- my OWN MONKEY!! -- well, geez, you can only IMAGINE how that pushed them over the edge... Really, they were literally ON THE FLOOR they were laughing so hard. 

"Grenn! You monkey so happy!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!"

(sigh)...

This article was first posted: 11 September 2002

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