RAMBLINGS - The Hong Kong Brother

Back in March of 2002 all the TV stations in Hong Kong were playing commercials -- and I mean every five minutes -- for the big show that was coming to town, namely the traveling production called "Wheel Of Life" put on by the monks from the famous Shaolin Temple in China.

Now, in case you don't know, the monks of Shaolin Temple are the acknowledged founders of the discipline of Kung Fu. Their two-hour-long, live, Broadway-like program -- which has been performed for years in countries all over the world -- features a dramatic representation of how the monks originally invented Kung Fu back around 500 AD, as well as some amazing feats of strength and endurance.

I REALLY wanted to go. The commercials looked like movie trailers, and were FILLED with images of guys swinging swords and doing flips and stuff. What guy WOULDN'T want to go check it out? I mean, seeing a live demonstration of Kung Fu, in the land of Bruce Lee, put on by the very FOUNDERS of it all?!? Surprisingly, it took me a few weeks to find some friends to go with me -- but as soon as I did I began to prepare for an unparalleled night of swords, blood, fighting and testosterone. "Alright, boys," I thought, "let the butt-kicking begin!!"

Wheel Of Life
Apparently this is the primary activity
in which modern Shaolin monks engage:
POSING MOTIONLESS!

But guess what? Going to see the Shaolin monks' show is NOT like going to see a "live" version of Return of The Dragon... NOR is it like going to see professional wrestling (which was, in fact, one analogy that I had anticipated would be appropriate). It's not even like going to see Cirque du Soleil, which some of the TV commercials brought to mind...

No, it's more like going to see professional GOLF... (not much action)...

(sigh)

I'm not complaining, just so you know. We had fun, and it was an interesting and mildly entertaining night.

But do you see the photo at the left? Well, about HALF of the two-hour show featured monks striking that exact, motionless pose. HALF!!

Alright, I admit, there was some cool music playing as they stood there... and sure, sometimes the guy who was playing the role of the Chinese Emperor in their dramatization would make a flourish with his hands, and shake his head up and down convincingly, as if to say, "I am the Emperor, the Son of Heaven! My wish is your command!"

But compared to the majority of the show, that was an extravagance of motion. Mostly they just stood there...

Now, they DID have about 15 minute's worth of truly spectacular feats at the end (after their "drama"), things where a guy would stick the tip of a sharp spear (with which he had just cut a watermelon in half) against his own neck, and then plant the handle of the spear on the ground, and THEN throw his whole body weight on the tip of the spear -- kind of like a tripod, standing on his legs but leaning forward so his weight was on the tip of the spear which was threatening to slice through his neck and spew blood on the stage, if you see what I'm trying to describe. So there was THAT. And there was one guy -- a kid, really -- who did these amazing flips and acrobatics... and another guy who they picked up and carried around the stage while he was lying on the points of 10 or 12 of those sharp spears (sort of a "bed of nails" trick, but with guys holding spears and carrying him around instead of an actual bed of nails). So all that was cool, and awe-inspiring, it really was. But at the same time, I couldn't help thinking how leaning on a spear with your neck wasn't exactly the kind of thing you'd use for FIGHTIN' and KILLIN', you know? That's like the stuff Bruce Lee would be doing when you first met him in the movie, when he was "practicing" or something. You'd never catch him doing useless stuff like that after the first five minutes.

Of course I'm not being "fair" to the monks, it's stupid to compare them to a Bruce Lee movie... but STILL.... give me SOMETHING, guys!! Do NOT tell me that ALL the good stuff was on that 30 second commercial?!? Not for the price I paid to get in here, you know?

Oh, and here's another kicker, and I am not making this up. It seems that this production -- "Wheel Of Life," which, as I say, has been around for several years -- has been filmed and released as a DVD. Okay, no big deal, I knew that before I bought the ticket, but I figured it was worth it to go see the thing LIVE, you know? But get this: they were broadcasting the DVD recording of "Wheel Of Life" on TV the SAME NIGHT that we went to see it live! Can you believe that?!? THE SAME SHOW!! And we all really laughed because our seats were so far away from the stage that we were really watching the live performance via the large screens on either side of the stage, so it was EXACTLY like watching it on TV anyway!!

Now, there is a sad side to the monks' story. The newspapers came out with a big report the day before the monks came to town spelling out how the promoter that they had been using for the last few years had recently absconded with almost ALL the money they had raised from touring -- they LITERALLY were broke, and apparently had no choice but to continue their world tour indefinitely until they could make enough money to go home! That's no joke, either, everyone was talking about the poor monks who couldn't get home. If I remember correctly, as of March they had been on tour continuously for something like 14 months, and still didn't have any possibility of getting home soon -- so it was pretty depressing, I guess.

Maybe that's why they just stood around so much, they were just tired and wanted to go home...?

In a lighter vein, I want to tell you about one of the most famous and successful movies in recent HK history. It's called "Shaolin Soccer" and I don't know if there's any way you can get a hold of it in the States, but if you can, you SHOULD. It is HILARIOUS.

It's about a guy who truly believes that Shaolin Kung Fu is the greatest thing in the world, and if he could JUST figure out a way to make it more appealing to people, then they'd finally understand how it could change their lives. So he tries all kinds of things to bring Shaolin Kung Fu to the masses -- at one point he and one of his older brothers try to be Kung Fu lounge singers, for instance.

Anyway, he finally stumbles across the idea of using SOCCER to promote the Shaolin Kung Fu, and enlists his brothers (who are now washed-up but who all used to be famous for their mastery of the different styles of Shaolin Kung Fu) to join his team.

Well, I won't try to explain the story any more than that, but it's VERY funny, trust me. I mean, this movie -- which isn't even in ENGLISH -- is now on my All-Time Top 5 movie list, I think it's THAT funny... And actually part of what makes it so funny is how sometimes the English subtitles are so horrible, if you see it you'll see what I mean.

So, if anybody in the U.S. figures out how to get a copy, let me know about it, and what you think...

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