What's Up, Doc?

Nobody likes the idea of being sick. But being sick away from "home" is just about the worst. And being sick in another country is like a nightmare. 

Fortunately, I've not been seriously ill here in HK -- but I have been more sick than usual. There are probably several reasons for this. First, I work in a building in close proximity to over 1000 screaming, coughing, nose-running, germ-infested kids. Not that they're DIRTY, but come on, they're kids, you know? Secondly, apartments in HK -- yes, MODERN and cosmopolitan HK -- do not have central air/heat, and so they are totally cold and damp in the winter months. So that's two reasons I get sick right there.

But causes for alleged illnesses are irrelevant for this discussion. What I wanted to tell you about was going to the doctor in HK.

Hasty generalization coming up in 3... 2... 1... NOW:

"Hong Kong people really like to go to the doctor."

That's not entirely true, obviously -- they don't LIKE it -- but I simply mean that it seems they will go at the drop of a hat. I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard one of my friends say something like, "Oh, wow, I've been so sick -- I've been to the doctor 3 times this week." And this from someone who hasn't missed a single day of work. 

Dude, I'd have to be in the HOSPITAL to see a doctor that much, you know? (Or dating some hot doctor chick, I guess -- heh heh)...

But anyway... I seem to always hear people telling me about having gone to the doctor 3 or 4 times in as many days, and sometimes it's even, "I've been to TWO doctors" (meaning traditional Chinese medicine AND western medicine). And they want YOU to go, too -- if you so much as sniffle in HK, there will be a mob surrounding you advising an immediate trip to the doctor. And I mean, post-SARS, HK people seem to really take it seriously -- like, "How can you be so rude as to sniffle in my presence, you potentially-deadly-virus-carrying guy?!? Where's your SURGICAL MASK?!?!?"

Whatever. I usually say, "Bless your heart -- Jesus loves you!" and then I wipe my hands on their shirt... 

(just kidding)... (I really just wipe my hands on my pants)... 

Fortunately, I've only been to the doctor ONCE in HK, back in March of 2002, when I had a sort of upset-stomach-slash-flu-thing going on. It was enough to knock me out from school -- I was feeling pretty sick. So I've only been ONCE -- but it was unforgettable. And by "unforgettable" I mean "funny"... 

This particular doctor was chosen on the scientifically-proven method of, "I Know Where His Office Is"... Which is to say I used complex computational algorithms similar to the ones by which I choose restaurants in HK (in case you were wondering about that, too). 

Yep, I knew where his office was -- in the local shopping center -- and of the two doctors' offices located side-by-side, THIS doctor's office looked nicer -- at least as much as I could tell through that frosted glass. 

SO having judged the size and decor of his office as being suitable to his treating my illness -- he's qualified -- I go in, right? And it's a tiny little waiting room, only about 6 chairs total, and they are right on TOP of each other, no space to move at all. There's a big counter/desk along the right rear, behind which the assistant was sitting in front of a door leading to the "back" area... and there was one other woman "patient" waiting. For some reason the lady behind the counter seems to speak NO English at all, so she just smiles profusely (almost VIOLENTLY -- if you've traveled enough then you know what I mean) and she gives me a form to fill out and points to a chair. 

And so I'm filling in this form, best as I could, and I mean, if you can picture this, people start coming and going out of the doors which lead back to the doctors' offices... Which is to say, there is this door, in the far wall, which I presume goes back to the examining rooms -- and people start coming and going through this door. First a family comes OUT... and then the assistant lady disappears back there, and meanwhile a new "patient" lady (with a kid) arrives... the assistant lady comes out, and seeing the new patient lady (with kid), tells HER to "come on back"... then a few minutes later, that patient lady (with kid) comes back out and leaves -- the assistant sees them out, then disappears back through the door... moments later, here she comes again, this time telling the other patient lady (the FIRST one) to "come on back" and they both go back there, leaving me alone in the waiting area... A little later the assistant lady comes back out a time or two -- she acts like she's doing something, but in the back of my mind, I imagine she's actually just PRETENDING to straighten the magazines, etc., and basically she's REALLY checking to make sure I'm not walking off with the doctor's expensive artwork (which consists almost entirely of drug ads from pharmaceutical companies, by the way). 

Okay, eventually the other patient lady comes out to leave, escorted by the assistant lady -- and after that patient has paid and left, the assistant lady goes back inside for a few minutes -- before FINALLY coming out to summon ME to see the doctor. 

But now, here's what I want you to REALLY picture. The thing is, here are all these people running back and forth, going through this door back to the doctor's offices. Okay, and I mean, this is so hard to explain, but I guess based on my own doctor's offices in the USA, which is basically a whole CLINIC -- (I mean, there are 3 or 4 doctors all in that office, and they have like 10 or 15 examining rooms, and all)... So whatever, I just see all these people going back and forth, and I see the nice decor of the waiting room, and whatever... I guess I just had something -- uh, BIGGER -- in mind... 

...because when I stand up to go "back" to see the doctor, I realize that the door is actually the door to HIS OFFICE!!! I mean, the door opens from the waiting room DIRECTLY into the doctor's office! And it's TINY, dude -- for the first time, I notice that the door doesn't even OPEN all the way, because if you opened it wide it would hit the guy's DESK. So imagine me sitting there in the waiting room, and in my mind I'm imagining this whole COMPLEX of hallways and offices and examining rooms back there -- but in fact, I go through the door and LITERALLY almost step on the guy's TOES -- he's sitting right in front of me!

And what about the assistant? I mean, she's normally sitting out front at that counter, but she would go through the door behind HER, to re-emerge from the PATIENT door -- I see now that her little behind-the-counter door ALSO just opens to the guy's office -- so it's like, she goes out the door of the counter, squeezes past his desk and chairs, opens the door to the waiting room halfway, then goes back past the chairs and out the door to her little counter again.

It was just crazy. 

Okay, so I sit down, and my knees are bumping the guy's desk, I'm all crammed in there, like some GIANT guy (I'm not THAT big, but geez). And the doctor is really, really cool -- let me stress that... He's really calm, and very nice and kind-looking -- VERY well-dressed -- and he speaks English better than I be doing... and it was really calming to sit down and talk to him, even though I was bruising my knees on his desk. 

HOWEVER, having just now praised his calming aura, I must say that he obviously graduated from medical school with a degree in "Weather Forecasting Medicine" -- this is the type of doctoring which is loosely based on the techniques of weather forecasting used by 99% of TV weather persons.

 How does this apply/transfer to the practice of medicine? Well, I'm no doctor, but...

Anyway, I don't mean to get so off-track here, but that's how this guy approached me as his patient. He looked me over, then listened to my breathing a bit (DESPITE the fact that I told him I had an upset stomach, which I'm not sure what my breathing told him about that). Then, very somberly, he asked, "Have you been under stress, or been around sick people?"

"Uh, I don't know." 

"Hmmm. Well, if you've been stressed, or been around sick people, maybe you caught a bug from someone."

"Yeah, I guess that's possible."

"Certainly. I'll give you some medicine. Anything else?"

And I mean, I am paraphrasing here, but no joke, that was SERIOUSLY the extent of our consultation!!! I was in and out of that guy's chair faster than you can say, "It's 3:30, my girlfriend is waiting -- and you're my last patient for the day!"... 

A wee bit stunned, I arose from the chair, thanked him, and slowly backed out of the door (there was no room to actually turn around). 

SO once I'm out in the waiting area, I go to the counter where the assistant lady is waiting. I paid her $100 HK (which is about $13 US), and she handed me, without a single word from the doctor, these forty pills: 

I have NO IDEA what they are, what they are for, or how often to take them. 

And THAT, my friends, is why I pray I never have to go to the doctor in HK again...  

This article was first posted: 7 April  2003

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